Anticlimatic

I am now twenty pounds down. Only a gazillion left to go. Or eighty.
It doesn't feel as good and wonderful as I thought it would.
But at least it is stepping forward, and not backwards. The right direction.
I am not always melodramatic. But most times I guess I am.

Come on out and find me

There was always someone or something telling me to be this. No, be that. And I often found myself listening. But who am I? I was in the shadows. Fifteen and always hiding. Upside down and always smiling (on the outside). I was a follower. Anything to get by. I was the blue girl. Unsteady on my feet. Always writing on my hands.

I grew up. Only I didn't. I was going through the motions. The steps. II was right where I thought I should be. I was twenty one and had the perfect life (on the outside). I was the perfect wife (on the outside). But who am I? I was still searching. Digging. Restless. Why wasn't I happy? I was edgy. I was a bundle of nerves.

Calling out, come on out and find me. 'Cause I've been waiting my turn. Pressure's on, Now your heart is beating to the sound of my name. And I say ... Find me. Find me.

Until I snapped. I was twenty-six and I needed release. I justified my actions. It was a subconscious pull on my spirit. Society has the strings and I was helpless. I was a slave to the mindless chaos. I was merciless. I never thought ahead. It was fun (on the outside). Maybe in the moment it was that much needed release. But not for long. I was suffocating in my deceit. My lies. But wait, I didn't know. There was no warning. There was no "Danger" sign to warn me. Just the opposite. I was cheered on by those nearest and dearest. No one threw a rope. I was drowning and no one noticed. Until it all came crashing down around me. Who am I? I was heartless. It was like breaking the surface of the water. Like waking up from a bad hangover (literally). I was left with a broken spirit and so many mends to make. I was lucky to be given the chance.

But ... maybe that is exactly the essence of growing up. Maybe this description could fit ten million others. I am no longer that girl. It didn't happen overnight. It was a struggle. Everyday. To be and to feel secure in my own skin. And even when things change, I'm finding that there are constants. I rely on this. These constants hold me down. Keep me sane. One foot in front of the other.